I've been slacking...

Mostly because I haven't felt up to writing lately. Sigh.

It all started last Wednesday when I picked Liam up from OT (occupational therapy). Amy, his OT, invited me into a private room to talk. I got a sickening feeling in my stomach...usually the therapists come out into the waiting room and say "He did great" to the unsuspecting parent or two...so being pulled in privately seemed to be very suspcious. My intuition was right on.

Amy is concerned that Liam is showing some autistic like behaviors. First, he wouldn't answer her questions. He wouldn't choose between juices. Second, he just seemed to be in another world to her when they went outside...like he was blocking her out. I didn't really know what to say. I mean, on one hand she wasn't telling me anything that I didn't already know...but the tears stung my eyes. I kept blinking to make them go away while I was talking to her. I wanted to tell her that Liam won't answer questions if he doesn't care about the outcome. Do you want apple or grape juice? Silence from Liam means "I don't care." Now if you asked him, "Do you want to swing?" you would get "Okay!" which is Liam's affirmative. I worry about making these statements though because I don't want to seem as though I'm in denial. I'm so not in denial...and sometimes I wish I was, really. Things would be easier if I could convince myself that nothing was wrong with my child...but the evidence is so strong and pervasive that I can't cover it up. It screams out at me and demands my attention. I can't get away from it.

Liam does some strange things when he goes outside...he likes to just wander around sometimes. His movements are very...strange...for lack of a better term. It's like some sort of awkwardly graceful dance that he does. I can't even explain it and Amy couldn't either...but she didn't have to because I get it. I can't articulate it either, the movements that he makes. I don't know why he does it. I only know that he's always moved strangely...

So Amy's concerns fill my head and the worry cycle begins once more. The kind of worry that leaves you with a sick feeling and your soul filled with dread. It's only made worse by the echolalia. Liam constantly repeats lines from Blue's Clues. "Look! A clue!" A month or so ago it was Dragon Tales, "Great idea!" Now he is still making such huge strides in his expressive/receptive language...but this echolalia is like a huge, painful reminder to me of how far we still have to travel.

This afternoon he dropped his notebook between the seat and the car door and plainly said, "I can't reach it, Mama!" Tonight he was getting ready to take a shower and extended his hand & said, "Want to take a shower with me, Mama?" He built a bridge out of crayons and jumped over it! He's coloring and enjoying sitting down & working on a picture. Honestly, part of the reason that I don't blog mych lately is because he is saying so many new things that I just can't keep track of them all. It hurts though when his seemingly wonderful progress is undercut by all of this echolalia. I really hate it.

I read that echolalia can be a part of normal language development...and research shows that it peaks at 30 months. This article provided me with some hope for a short time that maybe, just maybe, he's a quirky kid & that's all. Maybe he will grow out of the echolalia and move on to the analytical side of language development. I mean he just really started talking recently...so maybe it will be a passing phase. I hope so because each day that it presents itself is more painful than I can describe, wondering if it's an indicator of his future or a passing phase...